Exploring the delicate dance between connection and self-direction in therapeutic practice
Imagine a client—let's call her Sarah—sitting in a therapist's office. She's struggling in her marriage, feeling simultaneously smothered by her partner's demands and terrified of being alone. She voices a familiar, painful contradiction: "I want to feel close to him, but I feel like I disappear in the relationship."
This fundamental human conflict between connection and self-direction lies at the heart of why we seek therapy. It's a struggle over agency—our capacity to intentionally influence our own lives. Recent advances in psychotherapy reveal that cultivating a healthy sense of self-agency isn't about building walls against others, but about developing the capacity to engage in relationships without losing oneself.
This article explores how therapists help clients navigate this delicate balance between attachment, autonomy, and intimacy, transforming suffering into purposeful living.
The fundamental human desire for intimacy, belonging, and emotional bonds with others.
The essential human drive for self-direction, personal boundaries, and individual identity.
At its core, self-agency is our capacity to be the author of our own life—to set goals, make plans, and execute volitional control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions 3 . Psychologists define it as "people's ability to influence their behaviors, thoughts, and feelings to engage in goal-oriented actions" 3 .
This doesn't mean having limitless power over every situation, but rather being the competent and responsible manager of one's life—able to choose intentions, reflect on emotions, learn from setbacks, and adjust course when needed 1 .
In psychotherapy, enhancing clients' agency is recognized as a fundamental aim across therapeutic traditions 1 5 . Whether the approach is psychodynamic, humanistic, or cognitive-behavioral, successful treatment typically involves helping clients regain their sense of being effective agents in their world.
The relationship between agency and awareness forms a crucial therapeutic meta-process. Psychotherapy research suggests that "therapy fosters agency by increasing awareness" 1 . By becoming more aware of their internal states, thought patterns, and relational habits, clients gain the insight needed to make intentional choices rather than reacting automatically.
This iterative process—where increased awareness expands agency, and exercised agency in turn deepens awareness—creates a positive cycle of growth and change 1 .
Clients become more conscious of their thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns through therapeutic work.
With greater awareness comes the capacity to make intentional choices rather than automatic reactions.
Exercising agency leads to new experiences that further enhance self-awareness and insight.
The cycle continues, building clients' capacity to navigate life challenges effectively.
So how do therapists actually cultivate agency in their clients? Conversation analysis of therapy sessions reveals fascinating insights into the micro-interactions that build self-efficacy. Therapists often use specific linguistic tools called "formulations"—summaries or rephrasings of what clients have said that highlight certain elements while ignoring others 5 .
Highlight the positive aspects of a client's description of their experiences, thereby ascribing an agentic position to them 5 .
Example: "You're recognizing that anger arises, and you're wanting to have more choice in how you respond."
Question clients' implausible views and their non-agentic self-positioning, gently pushing them to consider more empowered perspectives 5 .
Example: "What would it look like if you approached this situation from a position of choice rather than obligation?"
The therapist's own self also becomes a crucial tool in this process. Rather than maintaining a facade of detached neutrality, contemporary therapists are encouraged to consciously integrate their personality, experiences, and feelings into the therapeutic process in what's termed "use of self" 4 . When used appropriately, this therapeutic presence models agency and authenticity for the client, demonstrating how to be both connected and self-defined in relationships.
How can researchers possibly measure something as subjective as self-agency? A clever series of experiments demonstrates how our sense of agency can be subtly primed and measured through simple linguistic tasks.
In 2021, researchers designed a novel experiment to test whether priming the "self-as-agent" would influence how people interpret causal, spatial, and temporal events 3 . Participants were randomly assigned to one of three conditions where they unscrambled sentences containing:
Self-as-agent prime
e.g., "I kissed Mary under the bridge"Self-as-patient prime
e.g., "Mary kissed me under the bridge"Neutral prime
e.g., "Mary kissed John under the bridge"| Domain Tested | Self-as-Agent Prime | Self-as-Patient Prime | Neutral Prime |
|---|---|---|---|
| Causal Attribution | More likely to attribute causal influence to a kayaker in a river | Less likely to attribute causal influence | Moderate causal attribution |
| Spatial Directionality | More likely to assign direction consistent with an agent moving through space | Preferred passive spatial frameworks | Mixed preferences |
| Temporal Directionality | More likely to adopt perspective of moving through time | More likely to see time as moving toward them | No strong preference |
These findings reveal that our grammatical framing of ourselves as active agents ("I") versus passive recipients ("me") significantly influences how we interpret and navigate the world 3 . The researchers concluded that "situated conceptualizations of the self as an agent can be a springboard for relevant empirical and theoretical contributions to a broad range of ideas and approaches" with significant implications for clinical practice 3 .
| Research Tool | Function in Agency Research |
|---|---|
| Sentence Unscrambling Task | Primes specific self-concepts (agent vs. patient) through grammatical structure |
| Ambiguous Scenario Tests | Measures interpretations of causal, spatial, and temporal events |
| Intentional Binding Paradigm | Quantifies implicit sense of agency through perceived time compression between action and outcome |
| Explicit Agency Judgments | Captures conscious, reflective sense of control through direct self-report |
Building on these research insights, therapists have developed practical strategies to help clients strengthen their sense of agency. These approaches vary across therapeutic traditions but share common principles:
| Therapeutic Approach | Key Strategies for Enhancing Agency |
|---|---|
| Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) | Identifying and altering distorted thought patterns; developing new behavioral skills 5 |
| Psychodynamic Therapy | Working with resistance; developing insight into unconscious patterns 5 |
| Humanistic Therapy | Facilitating introspective self-examination; strengthening personal perspective and responsibility 5 |
| Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) | Encouraging values-based action; mindful acceptance over impulsive reactions 2 |
| Conversation Analysis-Informed | Using formulations to ascribe agentic positions; highlighting client capabilities 5 |
What's particularly fascinating is how these therapeutic principles extend beyond the therapy room. Research on social media use, for instance, reveals that people employ similar agentic practices in curating their digital experiences. Some users actively shape their Instagram feeds with clear intention, forethought, and reflection—while others feel passively subjected to the platform's algorithm . This parallel suggests that agency operates across life domains—who we are in one context often reflects who we are in others.
Even physical movement can serve as a powerful avenue for cultivating agency. As one psychologist notes, "When moving, we are connecting to the present moment felt experience of our bodies rather than being caught in thoughts about our bodies" 8 . Simple intentional movements—whether stretching, walking, or dancing—can reinforce our sense of capability and empowerment, especially when we focus on what our bodies can do rather than what they cannot.
A crucial caveat emerges from both research and clinical experience: the pursuit of agency must be balanced with our fundamental need for connection. Well-meaning empowerment philosophies sometimes encourage what psychologist Dr. Rana Pishva calls "overcorrection"—when people "mistake detachment for self-agency" and "build impervious walls that leave us isolated and resentful" 2 .
We see this when someone, discovering personal boundaries for the first time, transitions "abruptly from passivity to rigidity, sometimes compromising connection or valuable opportunities" 2 . The result can be "divisive, unapologetic assertiveness" that ultimately leaves everyone "angrier and lonely" 2 .
True agency isn't demonstrated by radical independence, but by the capacity to make conscious choices about when to stand firm and when to adapt, when to prioritize self and when to prioritize relationship. As Pishva wisely notes, "In a culture obsessed with arbitrary boundaries, let's not forget the value of showing up for each other, even when it's inconvenient" 2 .
The most profound agency may be found in precisely this balance—the capacity to choose connection without losing oneself, to be intimate while remaining autonomous, to honor both our need for self-direction and our longing for belonging. This is the delicate dance that psychotherapy aims to teach, and that defines our most meaningful relationships.
The research and clinical evidence suggests that our sense of agency flourishes not in isolation, but in the thoughtful negotiation between autonomy and connection—what one researcher terms not "Let Them" but "Let Us" 2 .
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